


Cruel world

by Akiko_kitsune



Category: Gintama
Genre: Chapter 703 coda, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Post-Canon, Reminiscing, Shouyou POV, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-30
Updated: 2019-05-30
Packaged: 2020-03-29 23:19:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,748
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19030006
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Akiko_kitsune/pseuds/Akiko_kitsune
Summary: And there were two graves at Shouka Sonjuku from now on. Two twin-like graves of the students that cherished their teacher too much.





	Cruel world

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know where Sorachi will now go with Gintama, but it seemed that I needed to write about grieving. I wrote it in the middle of the night, cause one song made me think about what happened, so the plot may not be the most interesting. The song is "Shallows" by Daughter if you want any depressing background music.

And there were two graves at Shouka Sonjuku from now on. Two twin-like graves of the students that cherished their teacher too much.

Gintoki buried Shinsuke. The weight of his dead body needed to be held to the very last moment in his arms. He owed him this. Taking care of everything that was left. Although, it didn't mean he was alone. Even if he was the one holding the burden, there were people who support him, who helped him get to the end of this journey. To the last farewell.

No one was truly alone. No matter into how deep darkness they would fell, no matter how far they would stray, no matter what they would have done... Relationships with others were like strings and if these strings were set right, it didn't matter if you fall or get lost, you will be caught, you will be found, you will be supported.

How surreal was to watch it actually happening...

Shouyou watched it from the side, barely keeping on pulled back by his guilt.

Two graves... How much more children were laid in the cold earth, only to make him see hope once again? He didn't deserve all these sacrifices. No one should pity the monster.

"What now?" he heard as Gintoki asked him at some point.

Shouyou didn't know yet. He only...

"Will you let me be alone for a moment?" Shouyou asked putting on tender expression. Gintoki watched him carefully. Either in suspicion or worry. Shouyou needed to reteach himself how to read people's expression, cause his mind was giving him only the worst case scenarios. Especially, when he was facing someone with such a solemn expression.

"It will be alright. I'll be right back," Shouyou assured.

"Okay."

Gintoki didn't stop him. He needed a moment as well.

Shouyou took a walk. The area didn't change much. The only thing that changed was the school. The place once so lively and warm, now was only a grim phantom of its past. It still brought out memories. Too many of them. Shouyou noticed how Gintoki and Kotarou were feeling the same way. They were all involuntarily remembering the past, for the first time in a while. Even if the last events pulled their mind back to that time, they were only brushing the surface, catching a few glimpses and running away from it. This time, like in honour to the buried, they chose to face all that was now gone. Maybe that was good. These memories were turning more and more painful with time. Soon there would be no one able to face them. So maybe it was a good time to recall them for the last time.

When Shouyou strayed from the school, the eerie feeling didn’t leave him. It only became more surreal to walk his old paths. Like nothing changed. Like right around the corner he could…

Every place here was making Shouyou think about _him_. That was natural for grieving. For some time this one boy would occupy his mind even more than usual which seemed nearly impossible. But it was somehow like that already. He was hiding around every possible thought. And it felt like… Like he could always be right around the corner, but when Shouyou's gaze reached the place, there was no one.

He kept walking like that. Searching, knowing he would never find anything. As he got to the coast. It was one of many Shinsuke's spots to hide from people. So Shouyou started walking around more often, usually with some towel ready for his wayward student.

Shinsuke had grown up in this village so it wasn't surprising he knew which parts of the coasts were mostly unattended and when. Shouyou picked that up as well. He knew where to find him. And when he did, he mostly found Shinsuke just floating in the water. With his eyes closed. So peaceful and resilient. Pliant for the movement of the waves.

Maybe that was why he was always hiding away from people. He couldn't let anyone see that side of him. Such fragile, weaker sides weren’t meant to be seen by anyone.

He only let Shouyou watch him in this state.

There was something particular in their relation. For Shouyou each student was important and unique. But it was something he had never experienced with anyone else. Some kind of openness and vulnerability. Like they both were stripped of their masks when they were left alone. Why didn't they keep hiding from each other? That was truly particular.

Like when...

Shouyou cried before him. He hardly let his true emotion show but then... This boy's presence was always so soothing. When they were alone his voice was turning so soft, his gaze so tender. Like by all possible ways he was trying to reassure Shouyou that everything was going to be okay. And even in the most desperate times, he was falling into believing him...

Where was now his dearest student? His eyes could no longer catch him floating between the waves.

 

* * *

 

_"Doesn't it hurt?" Shouyou asked when he found Shinsuke. The boy lazily opened his eyes. It took him time to got up. "Your wounds still didn't fully heal." Though Shouyou wondered if there were times when there were no open wounds on this boy's body. He got into fights too often, but what could stop such a fierce soul._

_Shinsuke looked at himself as if he forgot about his own condition. He shrugged. "You can get used to."_

_Probably. Shouyou knew that the best, though he was still trying to avoid unnecessary harm._

_Shinsuke came back to the shore and sat by him. He took the towel, but only wiped his face in it and let his skin dry in the last ray of setting sun. It was indeed a pleasant, warm evening. Shouyou closed his eyes for a moment. To feel the breeze, the sound of the sea, the warmth of the setting sun._

_"I feel like this one star," he heard Shinsuke._

_Shouyou looked up. There was indeed a single star up in the sky even if the sun hadn't yet set down. Shouyou smiled. Maybe it did suit his student. Up first, against all odds, fierce and reluctant. Always on its own rules._

_"I feel like..." Shinsuke spoke again, but his voice got stuck in his throat. How unusual. Shouyou gave him time to find the courage to speak his mind. When he started again, his voice was quieter, nearly drown in the sound of crashing waves. "I feel like I'm that star and you're the sun. No matter what I'll do, it’s always... Whenever I get to you, it's like you're pulled away. There is someone else or I have to go or... There is always something... Our timing is bad," he sighed and focused his gaze on the sky._

_"Maybe…" Shouyou murmured. Somehow he couldn't help but to take a glimpse of his own past. What if he met this boy back then? Would it change anything?_

_If he could believe in anything, it was this boy. So no matter what would they met, he would find the way to at least soothe Shouyou's soul. Yet, indeed all the time they spent together felt so temporary. Maybe it was all just a feeling. Maybe they grow closer one day. Maybe…_

 

* * *

 

And like that Shouyou was walking along the coast reminiscing the past. He would no longer notice anyone flowing in the water. He would no longer pass hours on the discussions. He would no longer hear that boy's laughter.

There had to be the price for all the calamity Shouyou had brought on the world. He understood that well, but...

But did it have to be _him_?

Shouyou removed his geta and socks. He moved closer to the sea. Watching how the waves were coming to him and pulling away.

Did people come back? Some believed in reincarnation, but there were so many lies people were making themselves believe in only to blind themselves from the painful truths. Shouyou could have known the answer if only he had ever paid attention to the people. But before his dearest students, before Oboro... There was no one Shouyou would recognise if ever met again.

Would he recognise...?

Of course. Under any given circumstances. He would always recognise that one particular soul that was soothing his.

Shouyou walked into the sea without paying attention to how his clothes were sticking around his legs. He went as far as the waves reached his waist. Was there a reason for going any further? Was there a reason for anything...?

There was.

There was still hope, there was still future, there were still some of the strings he had set up previously as Yoshida Shouyou.

He only wanted to let himself float for a moment. His gaze watched the sky until it all turned black. His eyes caught that one star. It was always the brightest in the night. Of course. The corner of his lips moved up a bit, but then he trembled and could no longer withstand it.

His dearest star. His impossible boy. That from all the stars in the sky, he had yearned only for the one he could never reach. And he was aware of it. From the very beginning. But he stayed. Fierce and reluctant. Always on his own rules.

Even if that was only for a short time, he was the only star to accompany the sun.

Seawater didn't hurt that much. It stung less than the tears on his cheeks. Shouyou curled down and let the waves comfort him. Only for a moment.

He was no longer, after all, running away from pain. He stood up and faced it. And now the pain wasn't from teardrops on his cheeks or from seawater on his skin. It was deep in his heart. Crushing guilt, longing, sadness. Between the waves he let himself feel it completely. Face it. So he could remember it. Even if these memories brought pain, they were these few glimpses of the little bright soul accompanying his. He wanted to keep it and never let these feelings dull.

Their timing was really bad. They got to know the sweetness of meeting, only to be pulled apart. And when they returned to each other for one more impossible miraculous time, it was only to mutter the last goodbyes.

The world had to be cruel for the very last time.

**Author's Note:**

> You know, the metaphor I used in it about the sun and the star (probably not very original) but it's from my ShouTaka fic from like 2012? I keep thinking a lot about them using this one parallel. I don't know anything about stars, it was just that one time 14 years old me was watching evening sky and thought "ShouTaka" and now 21 years old me is still looking up the sky thinking about it.
> 
> I'm open for all the comments, concrits are also welcome and if you want to chat about Gintama or hang out a bit you can reach me out on Twitter @AkikoKitsune


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